10 Things To Do In Wolfram & Hart When You’re Dead


1. Annoy Random People


Spike smirked to himself. There were some benefits to being a ghost. One of which was the ability to get in and out of places very quickly. And, since he’d learned how to pick up and move random things, it’d gotten even more interesting. Like what he was doing to occupy himself tonight.


He laughed quietly, watching the lab tech who’d dared to call him an ‘impotent spirit’ earlier in the day. How impotent was he NOW? When the tech had just taken a swig of something Spike had found in a test tube in the corner, and proceeded to replace the tech’s coffee with. “Serves you right, ya little wanker. See how you like-” The vampire ghost’s eyes widened as the tech slowly began to mutate. “Turning… into a… something. Oops.”


2. Follow A Random Creature On A Bloody Rampage


The tech, who now really resembled a werewolf, leaped up onto a nearby table and snarled viciously. Spike blinked and chuckled quietly. The guy couldn’t hurt HIM, after all… And it might be fun to see what trouble he’d caused.

He jumped back out of the way, however, when the tech/wolf leaped down and ran past him down the hall. Spike raised an eyebrow and followed the creature. This might provide a few minutes of amusement.

He turned the corner and blinked, then made a face at the mess that the wolf thing had made of the lab. “Fred better never find out that I caused this… She’d be bloody pissed at me, if-” He froze, seeing a smear of blood on the wall. “Oh God… Fred…” He ran clean through the desk, skidding to a stop in front of a mass of muscle tissue and blood, wrapped in a lab coat. He swallowed and crouched down, examining the body. “Oh… Oh, Fred, luv… I’m so sorry…” He swallowed, then stopped and relaxed, noticing something in the body. “Oh… Bugger. Okay. Some random guy.” He got up, then blinked. “Wait… I caused that guy to change… And he killed this guy… Bloody HELL! I’m… Oh.” He sighed and growled. Now he had fix this.


3. Attempt To Construct An Elaborate Trap


Half an hour later, Spike growled to himself and glared at the ‘trap’ he was trying to build. “Bugger. How am I supposed to BUILD this thing, if I can barely even pick UP anything??”


Spike blinked and turned his head, then grinned. “Chuck! Thank God… Look, mate, you’ve gotta help me out here.”

Gunn raised an eyebrow. “First tell me what you’re doing…” He surveyed the mess the vampire ghost had made by trying to pick up one thing or another, then dropping it before it got where it was going. “Or… rather, what you’re trying to do.”

Spike sighed. “Promise you won’t tell Peaches.”

Gunn raised an eyebrow. “Tell Angel what?”

Spike smiled a bit. “Thanks, mate. I’d hug you if I could.”

Gunn just looked at him. “Don’t.”

Spike chuckled. “Right… Now. There’s this werewolf thing runnin’ around, and I need to stop it.”

“Why do you need to stop it? We have security personnel for that.”

Spike raised an eyebrow, and motioned for Gunn to follow him. He headed over to a security station, and motioned to the massive smear of blood on the wall. “Do you want to look over the desk, or is that enough for you?”

Gunn made a face. “No thanks. I believe you.”

Spike nodded, then headed back to his abstract pile of… things that he’d accumulated. “Great. Now. We need to build a trap. I figure we can use that elevator that doesn’t work as the final stage of the trap, but I need to get the thing up here first, and then some bait to lure it into the elevator…”

Gunn held up a hand. “Wait… Spike, I want to help you. Honestly, I do. But this sounds like something out of an old Scooby-Doo episode.”

Spike sighed. “I know. But it’s the only thing I can think of. Are you gonna help me out or not?”

Gunn chuckled. “Of course I will… I’ve always wanted to be Shaggy.”


4. Track Down Someone To Be Bait For Said Trap


Spike stepped back and grinned hugely, while Gunn leaned against a nearby wall to catch his breath. “It’s perfect, mate. Absolutely perfect.”

“It had better be,” Gunn muttered. “It took forty minutes of my life to build.”

Spike gave him a sympathetic look. “Sorry, Chuck… I wish I could’ve helped more…”

Gunn held up a hand. “Forget about it, Spike… Let’s just catch this thing before it eats any more of the staff. Angel is not going to be happy as it is.” He looked around. “So.. Who’s gonna be bait?”

Spike sighed and looked around. “I have no idea…” He blinked, then grinned, almost evilly. “Nevermind. I just got an idea… Wait here.” He turned and ran down the corridor, while Gunn just shook his head and leaned against the wall again.

“Don’t worry,” he muttered. “I’m not going anywhere.”


5. Convince Said Someone To Be Bait


“Harm, please? Look, luv, I-”

“No!”, Harmony said, spinning her chair to put her back to the vampire ghost. “No please. No ‘luv’. I’m not having anything to do with you. After the way you’ve treated me, you’re lucky that I’m even SPEAKING to you!”

Spike sighed. Time for a bit of groveling. Thank God no one was around to see this. He walked slowly around to peek at Harmony from around the back of her chair. “Alright. Then I guess I’ll just have to find some other girl… ‘Course, no one else could be as perfect for this job as you, pet…”

She peeked at him. “Perfect?”

Spike smiled and nodded. “Yeah, baby. Perfect. All you gotta do is sit there and look pretty. You’re wonderful at that.”

Harmony giggled softly. “Well… when you put it that way…”

Spike grinned. “Harm, pet, I’d kiss you if I could. C’mon, luv. Let’s get goin’.”

Harmony smiled and got up, following Spike to an elevator. “Okay.”


6. Prepare And Spring Aforementioned Trap


Harmony swallowed, shifting in the chair on which she was sitting, in front of the elevator that would soon become the were-tech’s grave.

Assuming, of course, that the trap worked.

“I don’t know about this…”, Harmony mumbled, looking down at the large hunk of raw meat in her lap. “Why do I have to sit here holding a steak, again?”

Spike smirked, then hid it. “‘Cause we’re tryin’ to make you extra attractive, luv… You know how all big uglies like raw meat. Especially when it’s held by a damsel in distress.”

Harmony blinked. “I’m not in distress…”

From the corner, Gunn muttered, “I am.”

Spike shot the insta-lawyer a glare, then looked back at Harmony. “You wanted to be an actress at one point, didn’t you, pet? Act like you’re in distress.”

Harmony looked up at Spike and smiled a bit. “I didn’t think you ever listened when I talked about stuff I wanted to do…”

Spike smiled a little bit. “Lotsa things you don’t know ’bout me, luv. Help me do this, and maybe we can spend a bit of time together… Now. Be in distress… While I go over there with Chuck.”

Harmony grinned. “Okay.” She cleared her throat as Spike walked away… then screamed at the top of her lungs. Figuratively speaking, of course.

Spike winced, and Gunn covered his ears as the vampire ghost joined him behind the security desk, avoiding the bloody body that lay on the floor behind them. “Bugger… Bint’s louder than I remember.”

Gunn blinked. “When did you ever hear her scream?” He blinked again, then made a face. “God. Nevermind. Don’t ever tell me.”

Spike just chuckled, then motioned for Gunn to be quiet as a soft growl echoed from the other end of the hallway. “Shh, mate. S’showtime.”

The were-tech slowly moved into the hallway, sniffing curiously and licking it’s fangs. It’s oversized paws and long black claws clicked slowly on the linoleum floors as it approached Harmony, who seemed frozen in her place. “Easy, Harm,” Spike whispered to himself. “Don’t run, luv… Give us another scream… Make it attack. You can move faster than it can…”

Almost as if she heard him (and with vamp ears, she very well could’ve), Harmony chose that moment to let out a REAL scream. Even louder and more piercing than the last one. Which, of course, only served to piss off the were-tech.

“GgggrrrrowwwwwwwwWWW!”, it howled, and leaped at the vampire in the chair… Getting caught in an almost invisible net made of ultra-thin wiring that Spike had found in an electrical closet in the process and snarling viciously.

“Now, Chuck!”, Spike yelled, as Gunn leaped over the top of the security desk, right on cue… Except that he slipped on the blood that had splattered over the top of the desk, and proceeded to slide across the floor, nearly ramming into the struggling wolf-tech in the process. Desperate to help, and forgetting for the moment that he actually was basically incapable of doing so, Spike darted through the desk, trying to grab the wolf-tech before it could grab Gunn.

Harmony screamed again, then snarled as a wolf claw caught her leg, ripping her skirt. “This was my BEST SKIRT!”, she snarled, leaping into the fray and getting caught in the net along with Gunn and the wolf on the way… And sending them all rolling into the empty elevator shaft in the process. All, that is, except for Spike.

He lay on the landing, peering down the elevator shaft as two screams mixed with an outraged howl as the bundle fell down the shaft. There was really only one thing to say to this.



7. Run Down A Flight Of Stairs At Top Speed


Spike scrambled up and ran for the nearest stair well, having not yet been able to figure out how to punch buttons reliably enough on his own to try one of the other elevators.

Besides, he could move faster than an elevator, when he wanted to.

Quick as he could go, he ran down the stairs, leaping from landing to landing every chance he got. After all, it wasn’t like a fall could kill him. Hell, he’d fallen THROUGH the entire building and wound up in the basement a week or so earlier. A few stairs was hardly a problem.

He skidded to a stop at the basement, then darted through the closed door, heading straight for the elevators… and stopped when he realized that the elevator that they’d used for the trap didn’t GO all the way down to the basement. “Bloody HELL!”

He shot back into the stairwell, jumping, rather than running, back up the stairs to the first floor. Suddenly, he knew which elevator they’d picked… And exactly where it’s last stop was. He skidded to a stop… then shot through the wall on the tenth floor. “Bugger… Peaches is going to… do something to me… Not like he can kill me, but… He’s buggerin’ creative…” He skidded to a stop and froze when he saw Angel standing in the middle of his apartment… staring into the open elevator doors. “Shit.”


8. Stare Dumbfounded And Try To Figure Out An Explanation


Angel stared into the elevator with a look on his face that could’ve been comical, if Spike didn’t know that it was a look of absolute horror.

Spike winced and slowly drifted through the room, wishing for the moment that becoming invisible was one of the talents that had come with his ghostly status. “Okay,” he mumbled to himself, being VERY sure to keep his voice too low for the souled vampire to hear. “Explanation… ‘Oh, Angel… Yeah. About killin’ your secretary and right hand lawyer… It was an accident. See, I was tryin’ to kill the werewolf-thing that I… accidentally… created…’ Okay. That won’t go over well…” He swallowed and took a slow breath, pacing in a slow circle, but making sure never to take his eyes off of Angel and what little he could see of the inside of the elevator. “Bugger… I am in SO much bloody trouble…”

Then again, he never expected what would happen next.


9. Make A Quick Exit


Angel glared dangerously at Gunn, who was slowly waking up in the elevator. Laying on top of Harmony… who was waking up on top of what appeared to be a very large fur blanket. “What the HELL are you doing in MY elevator!??”

Gunn blinked, and started to say something, then seemed to notice where he was… and what it looked like he’d been doing. “God!”

Meanwhile, Spike drifted further over, so that he could see the interior of the elevator. Upon spotting Gunn and Harmony in what appeared to be quite the compromising position (especially since the wolf had apparently ripped both of their clothes rather badly on the way down), he had to bite his non-corporeal lip to keep from laughing as Gunn tried to explain his presence in his bosses room… Not to mention Harmony’s.

The vampire ghost grinned, being sure to stay out of sight of everyone in the room as he headed for a nearby wall. He’d owe Gunn a huge favor later on, but for now… It was better for him to simply make a graceful, and quiet, exit. He drifted out through the wall.


10. Repeat As Necessary


Spike wandered through the main area of Wolfram & Hart, chuckling to himself. He’d gotten rid of the problem he’d caused, as well as spent a very interesting… He paused to look at the clock, then froze.

1:00 am.


He growled to himself. All of that, and he’d only burned three HOURS of the night? He sighed to himself, then headed for an elevator. Always time to practice with the buttons…

And who knows? Maybe he’d find something else to do once he got back to the lab…