She isn’t in the Void. I suppose I should be grateful for that. But I can’t feel grateful right now. I can’t feel much of anything except… absence. The absence of Rose.
She chose me. She chose me over her family – knowing she’d never see them again, she came back to me. And yes, it infuriated me for a moment. Infuriated me as only my Rose could, with a fury that could too quickly become joy. Joy that she’d chosen me. Joy that she’d be with me, that it would be us, just us, traveling…
No. I can’t talk about her in the past tense. Rose is alive. Rose is SO very alive. Out of reach. Out of my reach, forever.
The TARDIS has never felt so… empty. Even her familiar engines sound hollow… Maybe she’s missing Rose as much as I am. They did touch each other, the time vortex within the heart of the TARDIS and Rose. Bad Wolf.
I felt her – and I know she felt me. That blank wall. That feeling of a loss so deep that I thought my hearts were being torn from my chest. It isn’t any duller now. Walking away from that wall was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Me – the last Time Lord. The man who destroyed his own people to end a war. But somehow, with Rose… that didn’t matter as much.
Seeing her wonder at the things I had to show her… Laughing with her… holding her… Feeling her single heartbeat against my double. She was so very human, my Rose.
I started thinking of her as mine before I regenerated. I realize that now. When I’d thought she’d died, on the game station, I couldn’t imagine a more horrific feeling. You can’t imagine a feeling like this. You have to experience it – and I hope that no one ever has to feel what Rose and I are feeling now.
I had to say goodbye – I had to find a way. It took months, and an exploding star, but I managed it. And in the end, I couldn’t get the words out of my mouth. She knew it, of course. I didn’t have to tell her. But it would have been nice… No. Nice isn’t the right word. It would have been…. Well, it would’ve been. For her to have heard it. She knew I was going to say it… Going to say I love her.
And I do love her. I love her beyond the ability of words to describe. And I know. I know a lot of words.
It must have been so hard on her, when I regenerated. The face, the familiar face that she’d fallen in love with the first time, completely changed. But I knew, that Christmas, when she agreed to go with me again, that it was going to be alright. And she fell in love with me again… and I with her. Something about a new form, gives you new ability to express yourself. I could show her my joy at being with her, more in this form. I could play with her. I could be as unabashedly giddy in her presence as I felt, and it didn’t feel off. My ninth incarnation was born out of pain and war… This one was born out of love. Love for Rose. Rose’s love for me.
I don’t know what I’m going to do now. Just traveling? Without her? It doesn’t… seem even worth doing anymore. And oh, the temptation to go back in time, to go before we met, and just… watch her. See her, one last time. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve never felt more purposeless.
What was that? Who is that? That’s not Rose… What?!